grace on repeat
by waterlit
Summary: Love over two lifetimes. Yullen.
1. After the War I

Disclaimer: I (quite obviously) don't own DGM.

Summary: Love over two lifetimes.

Pairing: Yullen.

* * *

**[grace on repeat]**

* * *

So you were never a saint.  
And I love in shades of wrong  
We learn to live with the pain.  
Mosaic broken hearts  
But this love is brave and wild.

(Taylor Swift, State of Grace)

:::

The land was charred, roasted in the fires of the last battle, and ash fell from the sky, blanketing the land in strokes of grey and white. The battle had been ferocious here, a slice of hell on earth. There had been victory for the Order, but a fruitless victory, for too many had given their lives for the sake of safeguarding the future.

Men in beige coats, with bandages wrapped around the greater parts of their faces, walked through this wasteland with stretchers and sacks, to save the wounded and take away the dead. Others strode about with hoes and wheelbarrows filled with rocks and soil, ready to bury the ashes, to wipe away the stench of decay and death.

Allen, meanwhile, stood nearby, watching, though he didn't know for what.

"I ought to help them," he said, to no one in particular.

"No, Allen. You've done enough."

Johnny came forward to stand beside Allen; half his face was still covered with bandages.

"Johnny," Allen said. "How are you feeling? The Head Nurse let you out of the infirmary?"

"She has too many patients to take care of," Johnny said. "She won't notice my absence, and anyway, I'm feeling fine."

"You sure about that?"

"Very," Johnny said. He laid a hand on Allen's shoulder. "You've done enough. You ended the war."

"I have," Allen agreed. He turned away and looked again at the battleground. "But I'm not sure the price of victory is worth it."

Johnny tightened his grip on Allen's shoulder. "We knew what we were getting ourselves into, when we joined the Order."

"Many of those who died weren't even exorcists or finders," Allen said. Something cold found its way around his heart and sent ice through his vessels. "They didn't think they would die."

"They knew," Johnny said. "We all knew, when we signed up to work here. We all knew that we might die, simply because we worked for the Order. All of us knew it, not just the finders and exorcists."

"I wish I could have saved them," Allen said, allowing bitterness to seep into his voice.

"No, you mustn't think that," Johnny said. "You've honoured their memories by bringing peace to the world."

Allen shook his head.

"Those of us who still live must keep faith," Johnny said. He patted Allen's shoulder. "We must keep faith."

"Johnny..."

"I'll go back now," Johnny said. "Head Nurse might have noticed my absence by now. Come in soon, Allen."

:::

The Order's headquarters was a crumbled castle now, with corridors facing the sky and whole rooms blasted apart. It was mostly empty during the day, for those who still lived were either in the infirmary, working at the battleground to retrieve and prepare the dead, or, in the case of most exorcists, hiding in their rooms.

When Allen returned from the battleground, all that greeted him was silence and long, empty hallways where shadows danced.

He walked a step at a time, slowly, back to his room, listening to the echoes of his footsteps and the quiet wails of grief from various parts of the castle.

_I should leave now_, he thought. _There is nothing for me here anymore._

"Allen," someone called.

Lenalee was there, waiting in the half-light.

"Lenalee!" Allen cried, and ran over to her.

"Allen," she said, and reached out her arms to him.

He bent over to hug her. "How are your legs?"

"Better. The wounds are healing."

He smiled. "And – and can you – can you walk now?"

"No," she whispered.

"Lenalee –"

"Perhaps I will never walk again," Lenalee said. She looked away and rubbed her knees. "The doctors don't know."

"This war has taken too much from us," Allen said. He wiped away an angry tear.

"Don't, Allen. You have to remain strong. We conquered, remember?"

"We've lost so much too."

Lenalee took Allen's hands into her own. "Think of the good things," she whispered. "Don't let the bad things overwhelm you."

"I can't," he said, his hands limp in hers. "I can't. I see the dead everywhere, I have nightmares filled with blood and Akuma – I just can't forget."

"You can," Lenalee said. "You've had these dreams for a long time, remember?"

"Yes."

"And you never let them frighten you. Don't start now."

"I – I will try, Lenalee."

Lenalee patted Allen's hands. "You must try."

Allen nodded.

"Are you staying for the funeral?" Lenalee asked. "Komui wants to know."

"Yes, of course I will." The lie slides naturally off his tongue.

"Good," Lenalee said. "We thought you might run off before that. Stay for it, Allen. Please. We have to say goodbye to all those who helped us win."

Allen wanted to smile at how Lenalee had so neatly cornered him. He could not leave now, not without saying goodbye to the dead.

"I will," Allen said. "I promise."

This time, he meant it. He would stay and see the dead heroes off – that was the only way he could leave the Order with a heart that was slightly less hevay.

:::

The funeral took place on a cold day. The wind wailed as if weeping for the souls in eternal repose, and Allen looked up at the iron-grey sky.

"It's cold," Lenalee said, shivering.

Allen looked down, concerned. "Do you want me to wheel you in first? You should wait indoors until it starts."

"No," Lenalee said, trying to wipe away the tears streaming down her face. She pulled her cloak tighter around her shoulders. "I'll be fine."

"Look," Allen said. "Kanda's here. I thought he left after the battle."

"He's been in his room all the while," Lenalee said. "I went to talk to him. He's... it seems like he's in shock."

"Shock?" Allen raised an eyebrow. "I find that hard to imagine."

"It's true," Lenalee said, sniffing. "Lavi's death shocked him. The ending of the battle shocked him. He doesn't know what to do anymore. With his life, I mean. None of us do."

"None of us do," Allen echoed, nodding.

"What do you intend to do, Allen?"

"I don't know," Allen said. "Travel. Perform. Maybe join a circus. Have a family someday."

Lenalee nodded.

"And you, Lenalee?"

"Komui and I are returning to China."

"To rebuild the life you lost?" Allen asked.

"Yes," Lenalee said. "Komui told me that Leverrier said that the Order will build a village near the Asian branch, for those us who have nowhere to go. We will go there."

"That sounds good," Allen said.

"You know, Allen, you could come with us. Stay with us for a while."

Allen shook his head. "Thanks for the offer, Lenalee, but I have to refuse. I need... time in the ordinary world. Learn how to be a normal person again. But I'll drop by your place one day, I promise."

"You'd better," Lenalee said, and she smiled. "Now let's wave Kanda over. I want to say goodbye to him."

"And try to persuade him to live in the village?"

"No," Lenalee said. "He won't. He's leaving, like you are."

"Kanda," Allen called. "Get over here."

The man turned and looked at them, but he didn't budge.

"Get yourself over here," Allen repeated. "Lenalee wants to talk to you!"

Kanda continued to stare at them for a few moments, before he finally started moving towards them.

"You'd better have something important to say," Kanda said, crossing his arms and looking down at Lenalee.

"I just wanted to say goodbye," Lenalee said. "For now."

Kanda raised an eyebrow.

"I know you're leaving after this... so, take care, Kanda," Lenalee said, reaching up to tug his arms out of their locked position. She managed to withdraw one of his hands, and she grasped it tightly. "I hope we'll meet again."

Kanda looked down; his eyes were unreadable as always. After a few moments, though, he pressed Lenalee's hands with his own. "I'll come by some day," he promised.

Lenalee laughed and wiped tears from the corner of her eyes. "You'd better."

"Where are you going from here?" Allen asked, because he wanted to know, because he was unsure of his own path.

Kanda shrugged. "Somewhere away from here."

"That's it?"

"I doubt your answer would be even better," Kanda said.

"Well, maybe –"

"Don't fight, please," Lenalee said. "Look, Reever's coming for us. That must mean the funeral's starting."

Allen nodded.

:::

Allen and Kanda waited together on a bridge, waiting to jump onto an oncoming train.

"So where are you going?" Allen asked.

"I don't know," Kanda said. He gripped his bundle of belongings closer. "Quit asking me that question."

"Why didn't you just stay at the Order, if you don't know?" Allen asked.

"Quit asking so many questions."

"I'm just concerned," Allen said. "If you don't know... maybe we could travel together for a while."

"And why would I want to travel with you?"

"Rent will be cheaper if we can split it," Allen said. "And... it's always good to have someone familiar around."

"Pfft," Kanda said, looking away as the train roared nearby, swinging into view. "Jump."

They landed on their knees, and Allen grimaced as pain shot through his body.

"Getting rusty?" Kanda asked, smirking. He stood up and looked down at Allen. "Get up."

Allen groaned and pushed himself up.

"Come on," Kanda said.

Allen followed Kanda's lead.

* * *

A/N: I didn't mean to post this until it was finished, but... I changed my mind. Not too sure how this will go; it's probably going to consist only of a few short chapters.

Thanks for reading!


	2. After the War II

_A month later_

Allen returned to a dark house. As he stepped through the door, the shadows fell over him, and silence ringed the house until a familiar and soft fluttering of wings broke the eerie stillness.

"He's gone out again, hasn't he?" Allen asked, looking at Timcampy. "I'll have to go get him back, won't I?"

Timcampy nodded.

Allen sighed and shut the gate behind him. Ten steps to the right, fifteen to the left, onto the next street – he'd come this way so often in the past weeks – and there the tavern was. The air was thick with the smell of cheap beer and he felt almost giddy. It brought back memories of his training with Cross Marian, and Allen suppressed a shiver.

Bawdy songs bombarded Allen's ears as he swept the doorway curtain aside. Peering through the dim tavern, Allen sidestepped the grouchy barmaid and made his way to the fireplace, where a man, clearly a foreigner, sat on a stool, staring into space. An empty jug stood beside the stool, and a mug hung limply from the man's hands.

"Kanda," Allen said, shaking the man by his shoulders. "Come on. You've had enough to drink."

"No."

"Pardon? Did you just say no? Are you sober this time?" Allen asked, sniffing at the jug.

"No."

"You know you can't drink much. Why do you do this every single bloody day?" Allen reached out and put his arms under Kanda's. "Get up. Now."

"Another pint."

"No. You're clearly drunk, you moron."

"Shut it, Beansprout. Get me another pint."

"No, let's go."

"We'll leave after another pint," Kanda said. "Get it."

Allen hesitated. He was tired, and he didn't have the strength today to drag Kanda back to the house they shared. "Fine," he said. "But only one pint."

:::

The noises in the night had started a few months before. There were creaks and groans, of course, the nightly ruminations of an old house, and then the sobs started.

Allen pushed the covers back and grabbed his bedside candle. He walked down the corridor, hesitating in the dusty darkness outside Kanda's door. With a sigh, he wrenched the door open.

Kanda looked up mid-sob. "What the fuck are you doing here? Get out."

Allen walked in and set his candlestick down on the mantelpiece. "You've been like this for a few months. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Get out."

"Tell me," Allen said. "Maybe I can help you."

"No, you can't. Idiot."

"Talking about it might make you feel better," Allen suggested.

"Shut up and get out."

"You're ruining my sleep, alright?" Allen said, glaring at Kanda. "Just bloody spit it out. Get over yourself and your effing pride, you idiot."

Kanda glared back; Allen thought he could make out the red rims of Kanda's eyes in the dim light.

"It's nothing," Kanda said.

"Nothing?" Allen repeated. He crossed his arms. "You'd better tell me the truth. I've heard you sobbing for a while. You haven't found a job. You drink every evening."

"What's it to you?"

"I can put two and two together," Allen said. His voice softened as he took a seat at the edge of Kanda's bed. "You're still upset over Lavi's death."

"How can I forget it?" Kanda asked. The mask seemed to have fallen; the dark hair that hid his face now could not disguise his trembling voice.

"No one wanted Lavi to die," Allen said. "You certainly didn't expect him to."

"I didn't. We thought we were safe. We never expected…"

"The Noahs had all gone down by then, yes. I heard the story from Marie. But you know what? It's fine to feel that way," Allen said. "Just don't let it eat you up. We can't all let our ghosts chase us forever."

"How can I forget? Lavi – he was – Lavi was –"

"He was your best friend, yes, I know that but –"

"No, he was my mission partner. He was irritating, but he –"

"No one likes it when they lose their partner," Allen said. He made a soothing noise.

"No, he bothered to talk to me when he first came to the Order. He was annoying, fucking annoying, but – he felt – he – and Lenalee – they let me feel what it was like to have a family."

Allen reached over and patted Kanda's hand.

"I can't remember my past life," Kanda said. "I didn't have a family when I awoke."

Allen nodded.

"That's why – I can't forget. Lavi was – was almost my brother."

"I understand," Allen said. "But as your brother in the war, Lavi wouldn't have wanted you to grieve for so long."

"The surprise, the open eyes, the blood on his face... It's still strange that someone like him could die."

"Very unexpected," Allen agreed. "He was too full of life to leave. But he left, in the end. And you cannot blame yourself, Kanda. You have a whole life ahead of you."

Kanda shrugged.

"What would Lenalee say if she saw you like this?"

"She'd scold me," Kanda said, the hint of a smile appearing on his face for the first time in months.

"We should visit them," Allen said. "Lenalee and Komui."

Kanda shrugged again.

"It would do you good," Allen added. "That's it, we'll go."

"The journey there will be long," Kanda said.

"That's fine. We're all used to long journeys, aren't we?"

:::

"Kanda!" Komui said. "And Allen!"

"Komui," Allen said. He extended his hand. "How have you been?"

"Fine," Komui said. "I've been experimenting. It's been good – rather successful."

"What are you experimenting on?" Allen asked.

"Why, robots, of course! They're fascinating, aren't they?"

Allen trembled slightly. "You're joking, right?"

"Fucking robots again?" Kanda asked. "You're an idiot, Komui."

"The potty mouth isn't gone, I see," Komui said. "We'll see what my housekeeping robot can do for you."

"I'll slash it," Kanda promised.

"You won't!" Komui said. "You can't! My darling Lenalee will stop you!"

"Who's that at the door, Brother?" Lenalee asked, from somewhere inside the house.

"You'll never guess," Komui said, and led the two men in.

:::

"Let's visit Lavi's grave," Lenalee said.

It was the day after they'd reached the little town built by the Order, and Kanda had already, with the good steel of his blade, rendered Komui's housekeeping robot useless. As a result, Kanda and Allen had been chased out into the garden, and Lenalee accompanied them while her brother sobbed inside the house.

"It's here?" Allen asked.

Kanda looked away.

"Yes," Lenalee said. "The graveyard is at the south of this town."

"Are you up to it?" Allen asked Kanda.

Kanda nodded, though he refused to look at Allen.

The graveyard was a bright place, almost cheery, if a graveyard could ever be appropriately described thus. Clusters of blue and white flowers dotted the hedges, and leafy trees planted around the circumference of the circular garden provided shade for the weary.

"Lavi's sleeping near the middle," Lenalee said.

Kanda walked in the direction Lenalee had pointed in, and Allen followed behind, pushing Lenalee's wheelchair with care.

"This one," Lenalee said, when they'd reached the middle. "This one here."

Kanda looked down, to his right. Like the other grave markers, it had been carved from marble. The logo of the Black Order had been carved at the top, and a cross at the bottom. In between, the words ran thus:

Lavi, of the Bookman Clan

Here lies one who fell in the War against the Darkness

Unknown provenance, rootless paths,

Spirit burning bright, undimmed by death's blight.

None can forget. None will forget.

"Who commissioned this?" Allen asked, even as Kanda knelt before the stone.

"The Order," Lenalee said. "Brother ordered that all the dead members of the Order were to have a personalised inscription."

"Who wrote this?" Kanda asked, without turning around. His hands were touching the cross carved onto the stone.

"Link prepared the inscriptions for the exorcists," Lenalee said.

Allen nodded. "It's the kind of thing he would do."

Allen then stepped forward and knelt before the stone. He laid the bouquet of flowers he had brought on the flat front of the stone. "Lavi. It's nice seeing you again," he said. "It's been a long time since we last – last saw you."

"He'd be laughing at us if he could see us," Kanda said, his voice trembling slightly.

Lenalee, concerned, stretched her hands out to brush Kanda's shoulders. "Kanda," she said. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he said.

"You're not," Allen said.

"Leave me here," Kanda said.

Allen and Lenalee exchanged glances.

Kanda noted the pointed silence and the atmosphere. "Just … give me an hour. I'll be back soon."

Allen sighed. "I'll take Lenalee back to Komui's now, then."

Kanda remained behind even as Allen pushed Lenalee back to the town; he remained kneeling, his hands on the cross, his forehead pressed against the top of the stone.

:::

"We've had a pleasant month here," Allen said, looking back as the cart trundled away from the town.

We've got to return to real life, beansprout," Kanda said.

"Oh yeah?" Allen said. "Ouch! These dirt roads…"

Kanda remained unperturbed even as the cart hit another stone. "Be a man."

"I am! It's just that this cart is jolting too much. I'm starting to feel sick."

"Don't you dare be sick on me."

"I'll try not to," Allen said. "Why don't you go join the driver, then?"

"I'll stay right here," Kanda said.

"Eh?"

"One Lavi is enough," Kanda said.

"Am I supposed to understand that cryptic reference?" Allen asked.

"I made a promise that day, before his grave."

Allen nodded. "We guessed. You seemed so much like your old, jerk-like self after you came back. The pity party's over, I gather."

Kanda looked away. "Not yet, but it will soon be."

"You're trying hard, aren't you?" Allen asked, trying to look sympathetic but failing as another bump in the road caused his face to turn a shade of green.

Kanda nodded.

"Then that's fine. That's what Lavi would have wanted."

"I know."

"Where are you going from here?" Allen asked.

"Aren't we going back?"

"Back?"

"To the house."

"Oh. You mean – you aren't going to go travel around the world?" Allen asked.

Kanda leaned forward. "Should I?"

"It seems like the sort of thing you'd do," Allen said. "Take off without a word, that is."

"Not this time," Kanda said. "We'll stick together for a while more."

"I always knew you needed a friend," Allen said.

Kanda smiled.

* * *

A/N: Finals are finally over, and I finally have some time to write. Finally, finally, finally. Anyway, this chapter was hard to write - I just couldn't find a way to make them fall in love. Sigh. What do you think? Should I leave this be and move on to the modern-day part?

Thanks for reading!


	3. 2014, Part I

2014

Allen walked down the Square, his black coat blending into the river of people streaming down the sidewalk. It was a normal, day, an everyday kind of day, a day when people rushed on towards their myriad destinations, a day where the world continued to spin on its axis even as the shadow of eternal rest fell over a most beloved person.

Today, Allen tread slowly, softly, as if by doing so he could postpone the inevitable, as if his slow tread could recall the dead from solemn sleep back to restless life.

But – the tears threatened to fall. The mere thought of Lavi, dressed in his best suit, lying still and pale in the dark coffin, made Allen's lips tremble. This Lavi was a mysterious entity, so different from Lavi as he had been in life, a big-hearted man whose wit and charm had touched all his friends. The pale, sleeping man Allen would see in the church – that was not Lavi.

So thinking, Allen entered a quaint compound where a sizable crowd, all in black, had already gathered.

"Allen," someone whispered to his right.

"Lenalee!"

"Come here," Lenalee said, pulling him over to a less crowded corner. Her hands were cold against his shoulder.

"Your hands are cold," Allen observed. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she said, but her voice wavered.

"You're not fine," Allen said. "Did you cry all night?"

"Most of it," she said, looking down.

"I stayed awake all night," Allen said. "Our grief… it's normal, Lenalee."

"Yeah, I know. How are you feeling?"

"Numb," Allen said. "Empty. I can't imagine not talking to Lavi again, not laughing at his jokes, not teaming up with him to make fun of Kanda."

"Numb," Lenalee said. "That's a good way of describing it."

"Speaking of that, where's Kanda?" Allen asked. "He didn't come today?"

"He's here," Lenalee said. "He came with Tiedoll. Daisya and Marie are probably trying to distract him from his grief."

"Bookman's over there," Allen said. "Have you spoken to him yet?"

"No, I arrived just before you did."

"Let's go over."

Allen put his arm around Lenalee's shoulders; together, they walked towards Bookman.

"Bookman," Allen said. "How are you?"

"Allen, Lenalee," Bookman said. He tried to smile, but his eyes were rimmed a shade of red. "Thank you for coming."

"Thank you for letting us come," Lenalee said.

"He – he would have wanted you to come," Bookman said. "I … I'm glad to see you all here today. At least – he – Lavi – at least he didn't live in vain."

"There are many people here today," Allen agreed.

"A testament to Lavi's life," Tiedoll said, walking up to the group.

"Froi," Bookman said. "Thank you for coming despite your busy schedule."

"I couldn't possibly miss the chance to say goodbye, could I?" Tiedoll said. "We all watched him grow up into an adult. It's only fitting that we send him off."

Bookman nodded.

"Allen and Lenalee," Tiedoll said, "do you mind helping me look for Kanda? I haven't seen him since we arrived. I'm quite worried about him. The poor boy has been moping for the past few days."

"Of course," Allen said. He guided Lenalee away. "Do you see him?"

"No, but I see Daisya over there," Lenalee said.

"Daisya!"

Daisya turned. He was munching on something. "Allen, Lenalee."

"Where's Kanda?" Allen asked. "Have you seen him?"

Daisya said. "I left him with Marie. He was no fun at all."

"It's a funeral, Daisya," Lenalee said. Her lips were trembling; the word "fun" brought up sad memories. "It's not supposed to be fun."

"Lavi wouldn't have wanted such a solemn send-off," Daisya said. "He would have preferred a happy send-off party, you know what I'm saying?"

Allen smiled at Lenalee. "I think so too. He would have wanted a cake, perhaps, and colourful clothes. And fireworks."

Lenalee almost laughed. "I hate to say it but I agree. Definitely fireworks."

"Fireworks... he always loved fireworks. Anyway, want a biscuit?" Daisya asked. He reached into his pocket.

"Yes, thank you," Allen said, taking the proffered snack, and the one offered to Lenalee as well, when she shook her head.

"If you want Kanda," Daisya said, "you should try looking in one of the dark corners around here. He's probably hiding somewhere in the shadows."

Allen nodded his thanks. With Lenalee, he circled the large hall, looking for a man skulking in the shadows.

"He's there," Lenalee said when they had circled halfway around the room. "Kanda. Why are you standing here alone?"

"Leave me be."

"Don't be rude to Lenalee," Allen said. "Although you always are, you prick. You're not the only one hurting, you know?"

Kanda looked away; his gaze was focused on the floor. "I don't want to talk."

"Since when do you ever want to talk?" Allen said.

"Allen!" Lenalee said.

"I'm sorry, Kanda," Allen said. "I'll be nice to you today, since you're clearly grieving."

Kanda didn't meet Allen's eyes. "Hmph."

Allen was about to reply when the person standing at the podium took that moment to interrupt all the conversations in the hall.

"May I have your attention please, ladies and gentlemen? The service is about to start," the man said.

"Let's take a seat," Allen said. Lenalee pulled Kanda along as she followed Allen towards the seating area.

At this point, Tiedoll had taken the stage. "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I must say I am very sorry to be here today; I would rather have seen Lavi living his life fully for many more happy years. I am sure many of you agree with me.

"Let me start by offering my condolences to Bookman. Your loss must be a painful one, and we all grieve with you. My condolences, too, to everyone here who loved Lavi, for he was a brilliant man, a man of wit and intelligence, and yet not proud despite his many achievements. He was fond of fun, and, as Daisya kindly reminded me this morning, he would have been sad to see us grieving in a hall draped with dark curtains.

"Therefore, let us remember him as he was in life! He was taken too early from us – he was so full of life that life could not hold him in her embrace any longer. While we deal with the heartache, the heartbreak, we must also move on in life. Yet we must also give him the special place he deserves, a special place in our hearts and in the shrines of our memories. He shone while alive; and shine he will even in the darkness of death.

"Perhaps the eulogy is not the best place to mention this, but I want to honour Lavi by telling you that he was unstinting in his efforts to improve the world. He created a trust fund some months before his death, and now the funds, with Bookman's approval, will be used to breathe life into the L Bookman Foundation for Research.

"So this is how we will remember him – not merely as a man who did so much that he deserved a grand funeral, but also as a man of brilliance, a man who made the lives of his friends richer just by the light of his personality. Let us celebrate his life for him; though short, it was a great one, far greater than many men are able to achieve in their long years on this planet.

"Lavi has been called home to his maker; so let us remember him in the way he would have wanted. Let us grieve, but let us also celebrate, and above all, let us spread his influence around the world, and create a better world for all our children to live in."

Tiedoll picked up the glass of wine he'd placed on the podium. "To Lavi and a life well-lived!"

The eulogy delivered, Tiedoll took a step back and wiped his thick glasses. There was silence, for a few moments, and then Daisya stood up and clapped.

"To Lavi!" Daisya shouted, raising his glass in turn.

Allen stood up too. "To Lavi!"

The attendees stood up, one, or in pairs, or in groups, and Bookman's tears fell freely as he watched them. Nearby, Kanda scowled, but he stood up too, though he did not toast to Lavi's memory.

:::

"Come out," Allen said, knocking vigorously on Kanda's door.

All remained silent, so Allen continued to knock. A few minutes later, a sigh issued from within the room.

"Leave me alone," Kanda said. "I'm trying to meditate."

"No you're not," Allen said. "You're just throwing your own pity party inside. Get your sorry ass out of there, please."

"Go the fuck away."

"What kind of roommate would I be if I let you rot inside your room? Lenalee's worried about you."

"Hmph."

"Come on. It's been two weeks. You can't go on like this."

"No."

"Fine," Allen said. "See if I care."

Allen's footsteps faded away, and Kanda found himself alone again. In the dimness of his room, he thought he could make out the red river that flowed from the wounds in Lavi's body, the glassy eyes and the grasping, cold hand that shuddered as life ebbed away from the body.

And he – he was powerless to do anything, because he could not recall life where life had expired, because he was no medical professional trained to bring a man back to life.

Kanda rubbed his eyes, and the vision disappeared. His floor was again a shade of cream, bare and clean, and there was no sign of Lavi.

_He's gone,_ Kanda told himself. _You're seeing things. Get your act together._

But Kanda again lifted his eyes to the spot where he had seen the vision; when nothing appeared, he sank his head into the embrace of his arms and remained in that position for hours to come.


	4. 2014, Part II

_One week later_

"Kanda! Open the door, please?"

Kanda frowned. _That's Lenalee – but how did she even get in? The beansprout must have let her in._

"Kanda?" Lenalee said again.

With a sigh, Kanda stood up and went to the door. He opened the door slightly. "What do you want?"

"Took you long enough," Lenalee said. She was frowning. "I thought maybe you'd fainted inside or something. Allen told me that you've been refusing to leave your room."

Kanda shrugged.

"Don't you shrug at me like that," Lenalee said. "I've been worried sick about you."

"The beansprout let you in?"

"Yes – well, not really. He had to go off to celebrate Tyki's birthday, so he gave me his key."

"Mikk's birthday?" Kanda said. "Idiot. I don't know why the little brat's hanging around Mikk's coattails. His sugar daddy, probably."

"And I," Lenalee said, "don't know why you're hiding from your friends. Talk to us."

"I'm talking to you right now."

"I meant that you should tell us about your grief. And aren't you going to let me in? Or are we going to talk like this?"

Kanda nodded. "Come in."

"So, Kanda, what have you been doing these few weeks?"

"Nothing."

"Really? Nothing at all? You didn't turn up for work?" Lenalee asked, taking a seat on Kanda's bed.

Kanda resumed his seat on his meditation mat. "I called in sick."

"For three weeks?"

"No. I took no-pay leave. I'm going back to work in a week."

"Are you sure you'll be up to it?"

"Yes."

"You sure about that?" Lenalee asked, looking Kanda straight in the eyes.

He averted his eyes. "Yes."

"Really? Look at me."

"Enough, Lenalee." Kanda looked up. "Please."

"But –"

"I can handle my own problems."

Lenalee sighed. She did not press the point.

:::

_One week later_

Allen rubbed his eyes when he saw a man with long hair in the kitchen.

"Kanda! I'm not seeing things!"

"Idiot."

"You're finally out of that room; I was beginning to think that I might have to break the door down."

"Shut up."

"Brilliant way to greet your roommate, whom you haven't seen for what, almost a month."

"Shut your trap. I'm trying to eat."

"So am I."

"You make me sick," Kanda said, looking away as Allen tucked into his dinner.

"So where did you go today?" Allen asked. "You're dressed up. You went to work?"

"Yes."

"Oh bloody hell, you actually went to work!"

"Shut the fuck up."

"You shut up too, then."

Kanda snorted. "You started talking first."

Allen shrugged and finished the rest of his dinner before he spoke again. "So... Kanda, how are you feeling?"

"Normal."

"Normal? But you've been hiding from us for a month!"

"I needed space."

"So you did," Allen said. "I bought your favourite green tea. Your stash was running out, and I figured you'd want more when you got out of that slump. It's in that drawer."

Kanda looked up. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. "Thank you."

:::

_Two months later_

Kanda and Allen had gotten into the habit of watching television together in the evenings. It helped them fill in the evenings; it helped them to gloss over the empty hole Lavi had left behind – before his death, they had all spent many happy evenings together.

Kanda could thus be forgiven for getting somewhat grumpy when he saw Allen all dressed up and ready to party.

"Where are you going?" he asked, frowning.

"Out," Allen said. "I've a party to attend."

"With Mikk?"

"Yes. Now – don't start lecturing me on how I should be wary of him."

"You should be wary of him, he's –"

"Oh, Kanda, come on, you're not my mother. Or my guardian. So there."

"You're an idiot," Kanda said. "You should stop seeing Mikk."

"We've been dating for a year, Kanda. He hasn't done anything weird or awful. So – just stop it, alright?"

"Hmph," Kanda said, turning away to face the television set.

"Don't wait up for me," Allen said, jingling his keys. "I might be home late."

"You can do what you want, you're an adult," Kanda said. He did not turn around to face Allen.

"Okay," Allen said, edging his body towards the door. "Good night then."

Kanda did not reply. With a sigh, Allen slipped on his shoes and left the apartment.

:::

Allen did not expect Lenalee to call him at midnight. She never did call him at midnight. He picked up her call with a sinking feeling.

"Hello, Lenalee? Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Where are you?"

"I just left the party," he answered.

"In that case… Allen, I need you to fetch me."

"Uh, where are you? Should I call Komui? I don't have a car, remember?"

"No, just take a cab over. I'm at the Earphones Factory."

"You're at Marie's bar?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll head over right now. What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"You'll know when you get here."

With that, Lenalee hung up, leaving Allen extremely perplexed. Allen immediately stuck his hand out and hailed a passing cab. He reached the bar barely fifteen minutes later.

"Allen!" Lenalee called. "Over here!"

Lenalee did not look particularly sad – nor did she appear to be injured – perhaps – then, Allen noticed the slumped body beside Lenalee.

"Who's that?" he asked.

"Kanda."

It was indeed Kanda – his long, dark hair was splayed all over the table, and he reeked of the sharp, nose-twisting fumes of alcohol.

"What's wrong with him?" Allen asked.

"I have no idea," Lenalee said. "He asked me to accompany him, but he didn't tell me why he was upset. Now he's drunk."

Together, they got Kanda into the cab and back to the shared apartment. Allen propped Kanda against a nearby pillar and waved to Lenalee.

"Have a safe trip home, Lenalee."

"Thank you," she said, and shut the door. Then, she rolled down the window. "He did say something about Tyki Mikk. Just thought you might want to know."

She waved as the cab drove off into the darkness.

:::

The sunlight was streaming in between the edges of the blinds when Kanda forced his eyes open. The blanket was too warm, the sunlight was too bright, and little squiggles floated across his eyes.

Then, a man moved across his field of vision. "Why did you get so drunk last night?"

Kanda forced his eyes to focus on the man. "What are you doing in here?"

"Waiting for you to wake up," Allen said, leaning against Kanda's wardrobe.

Kanda sat up. The pounding in his head intensified. "Headache," he said, apropos of nothing.

"Naturally," Allen said. "You drank a great deal last night, according to Lenalee."

Kanda shook his head. "Water."

Allen took the glass sitting on Kanda's desk and handed it over. "Is something wrong?"

Kanda gulped the water down. "No."

"Then why'd you get so bloody drunk?"

Kanda shrugged.

"Lenalee said you said something about Tyki?"

"Did I? The woman can't hold her tongue. If I did, so what?"

"Why do you always make your friends worry about you?" Allen asked. He crossed his arms. "You're an idiot."

"Get out of my room, Beansprout."

"I won't until you tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing."

"Something is definitely wrong," Allen said. "You're acting so strangely…"

"Stay away from Mikk."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me."

"I did, but as I've already explained to you, Tyki is not the bad person you think he is."

"He is."

"He's not. Look –"

"He's cheating on you."

"You must be mistaken," Allen said, a chill running up his spine and down his skeleton.

"I saw him a few weeks ago, hugging a guy."

"He could have been giving the other person a goodbye hug –"

"They hugged for a long time. Then Mikk kissed the guy's neck," Kanda said.

"That can't be true!"

"It is," Kanda said. "Ask him."

Allen turned to walk out of the room. "That's precisely what I'm about to do."

:::

As strokes of darkness began streaking across the night sky, Lenalee received a call from Allen; they met at their favourite bar.

"What's wrong?" Lenalee asked. "Yesterday it was Kanda and today it's you."

"Tyki cheated on me," Allen said, staring at his glass.

"Oh no," Lenalee said. "So – what happened?"

"We broke up."

"I'm sorry to hear that…" Lenalee said, patting Allen the back. "How did you find out?"

Allen took another swig from his glass. "Marie! Another glass! Another bottle!"

"No, Allen, you can't hold your liquor," Lenalee said. She shook her head at Marie. "Don't let him have any more, please."

Marie nodded. "He sounds like he's already drunk."

Allen snatched the bottle from Marie's hands. "I'm not drunk," he declared.

"It's fine," Lenalee said to Marie, "I'll handle him."

"I'm not drunk, Lenalee," Allen repeated.

"How are you feeling right now?"

"Pardon?"

"How are you feeling?" Lenalee asked. "Terrible?"

Allen nodded. "I thought… I thought it was going to last forever. I didn't expect…"

Lenalee made a soothing sound. "I understand, Allen."

"I – I never thought that Kanda was right," Allen said. He took another swig from the bottle.

Lenalee inched the bottle away from Allen's grasp. "Allen – oh, Allen. You've to get a grip on yourself. Tyki isn't worth this."

"He isn't," Allen agreed.

"Then why are you trying to get yourself drunk?"

'I don't know," Allen said. He took the bottle back from Lenalee. "I don't know."

Allen really was drunk a few more mouthfuls of alcohol later. Lenalee gestured to Daisya, who was standing behind the counter.

"Yeah?" Daisya asked, stepping out from behind the counter.

"Can you get Kanda for me? I can't get Allen home by myself."

"Sure," Daisya said, and left to phone Kanda.

"Allen!" Lenalee said, hitting Allen on the cheeks. "Wake up. You still there?"

Allen did not respond.

"Lenalee," Daisya shouted, "he's on his way!"

Kanda reached the bar some twenty minutes later.

"First you then him," Lenalee said, looking up at Kanda. "What is wrong with you guys?"

"What happened to him?" Kanda asked.

"He found out Tyki cheated on him."

"Che."

"You told him?" Lenalee asked.

"I saw Mikk with his boy toy," Kanda said. He gestured at Allen. "He deserved to know."

"Of course he did, but – Allen is miserable. He never saw this coming."

"Hmph."

"Come on, Kanda, help me carry him to my car. I'll send the two of you home."

Kanda stooped and dragged Allen's right arm over his own shoulder. "Let's go," he said. "I've got him."

:::

_The next day_

It was a warm morning; Allen could feel the sweat gathering on his back, under the soft stretch of his shirt. The sunlight danced across his face; he could feel its warmth treading down his skin and his bed. Something pounded away inside his head; it roared against his skull.

"Headache, huh?"

Allen forced his eyes open though it hurt to do so. Him room was awash in the sterile morning light. "Eh?"

"Drank too much, Beansprout. You're quite an idiot too." Kanda stood by the door, already dressed in his workout clothes.

"What –"

"Why'd you get so drunk for?"

"Pardon me but –"

"Last night," Kanda said. "Did you really need to drink that much?"

"I – urgh," Allen said. He placed his palms over his eyes. "So bright. Draw the curtains, would you, please?"

Kanda uncoiled from his position by the door and stalked over, drawing the curtains with sharp movements. "So?"

"Yeah, I went to the bar, what's it to you? I had to carry you back the other day. You don't see me bloody complaining," Allen said, uncovering his eyes at last.

"Drinking doesn't solve the problem," Kanda said.

"You're one to speak."

"I know."

Allen looked around the room. "I just wanted to forget for one night."

Kanda shrugged and looked away from Allen.

"I just – I don't know what to think, what to do," Allen said. He ran his fingers over his alarm clock, a black affair with silver buttons and knobs. "We dated for so long – it'd have been four years next month…"

"Time heals all pain," Kanda said, brow furrowing. "That's what Lavi told me."

"I suppose it does."

"Look – Beansprout, you've got to pull yourself together."

Allen held out the alarm clock. "He gave this me, you know? He said he was tired of saving me a seat in lecture, so he bought me an alarm clock."

"Hmph. Throw it away then."

"What? No, why would I do that?" Allen asked, placing the alarm clock back on his bedside table. He pulled a ring off his left middle finger. "We bought promise rings on our second anniversary."

Kanda glanced at the slim band of silver with an infinity knot carved into the middle and returned his gaze to Allen. The younger man's eyes were now puffy.

"We promised to love each other and no one else," Allen said. "I can't believe he cheated."

Allen stroked the ring and remembered Tyki's soft touches, the stolen kisses in the dark crannies of the Noah mansion, the late-night strolls down the waterfront, the beach parties and the smell of Tyki's cologne on hot, sweaty nights. He remembered the hugs, the food excursions, the way Tyki' seemed to be able to undress him just by the power of his gaze.

"You're crying," Kanda said.

Allen felt the hot tears roll down his face. He grabbed a tissue from the table and swiped at his eyes. "I know."

"No use crying," Kanda said.

"I can't help it."

"I know how it feels," Kanda said. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.

Allen shook his head.

"I felt something like that when Lavi died," Kanda said. "A best friend gone… you feel betrayed by fate."

"And? How long do you think I'll feel this way?" Allen asked.

"I'm still grieving, but it … it gets better every day."

"I'm sorry Lenalee and I couldn't help you," Allen said.

"No – this is something everyone must go through alone," Kanda said. "I talked to Tiedoll. He explained it to me."

"You actually talked to Tiedoll about it?"

"Yes. I never thought I'd want to talk to him about… about my emotions."

"Hmm."

"It will get better," Kanda promised, grasping Allen's shoulder. "It will."

:::

"You died too young," Allen said, bending down to place a fresh bouquet of carnations on the gravestone.

Lavi Bookman did not answer Allen, for he could not, being dead. Kanda, however, opened his mouth. "The Beansprout's right," he said. "You shouldn't have been the one in front of that bastard's car that day."

"You never told us what happened," Allen said. "Just that he got knocked down."

"Bookman knows."

"What exactly happened to Lavi? It wasn't a hit-and-run?" Allen asked.

"No, not really."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Lavi asked me not to," Kanda said. "I would have chased the bastard down and punched him till he begged for his life, but Lavi made me promise not to."

"Was it about Chomesuke?" Allen asked.

"Yes. He wanted to save her… they got him instead." Kanda said. He shook his head. "I reached too late to save him."

"It's all in the past now," Allen said. "Lavi is probably happy wherever he is now. I wish… I wish you caught the bastard, though."

"I wish that too."

"Let's go," Allen said, reaching for Kanda's hand. "We have a meeting to attend at the Foundation."

Kanda nodded. Together, the two walked down the mossy paths and out of the silent cemetery, hand in hand. Of them we shall not speak any further, except that they lived very happily till the end of their days.

-Fin.-

AN: Thanks for reading this fic! I started it with no idea of where it was going, and... well. I have no better idea of what it's all about even though it has ended.

All comments/criticism/etc are welcome (:


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